Fleeting Romance

Doctors and Nurses are obsessed - with shite.

On the first day here, I was sent down for an xray to see how "backed up" I was. There I met Elliot. A lovely young radiologist. We candidly discussed how much faeces was floating around my Transcending and Descending Colon, I didn't need the x-ray to prove it - I was full of shit!

My bowels are talked about like a close relative that must visit daily.

The general bowel movement law of the Medical Industry is that if dear old "Bowel" doesn't "visit" or move one day, he gets talked about, like you forgot to tell him what ward you were on!

If Bowel hasn't visited the 2nd day, he is sent a little reminder of how to get to where he needs to go. This is usually in pill form, sometimes known as a "softener" or a "pusher"

If bowel hasn't visited by day 3, he is sent the equivalent of a taxi, to get him here quickly. The suppository form - this chains you to the bed for at least 20 mins and helps you improve you commode transfer skills as you need to roll over in record time.

And by Christ if Bowel hasn't arrived by day 4, he is chauffeur driven to the airport, is put through priority check in and fast tracked for boarding his first class flight.

And believe me it's long haul.

When he does arrive, he is made such a fuss of. People come from far and wide to see him and get close to him. Analysing what type of food he likes and what time of the day he is at his most entertaining.

This first class ticket is called FLEET. It comes in a 125 ml bottle and tastes like snails and puppy dog tails. They recommend this...gruel once for patients who need a bowel operation.

I had 3 doses.

After day 1, my arsehole turned itself inside out.
The nurses told me it was "absolutely fine" if I shat the bed.

After day 2, mind power kept bowel away.

Day 3 - my arsehole could feel the cold of the water in the bottom of the pan and although it was temporarily soothing, it was pleading with me to never, never drink fleet again.

After physio this morning I went for another x-ray. Elliott rather glumly told me I hadn't shifted as much as I should have.

I am currently in negotiations with the Nurses to give me an enema to release the chocolate hostages under my terms.

Here's a little video of me walking with my splints on at physio this morning.

17th April 09 - Since writing this a few days ago my Doctor has signed me up for

4 x softeners

2 x pushers

2 x suppositories

1 x sachet mix

2 days of fleet.

Not happy Jan