My Last Week

Dinner at the local Turkish restaurant

Art Therapy

Last week was a big week and although it left me feeling very weak., it was great to have Mum arrive and smash all my personal bests.

It was great meeting Mum at the airport. I wanted to be just on my crutches when she first met me, so I wouldn’t upset her, but after parking in a disabled spot and heading towards the front of the terminal, it was clear the distance was too much and Damo had to get me an airport wheelchair. However, Mum could see I was able to move my legs, stand and use the crutches for some of the way back to the car. So I think that set her mind at rest.

I am currently concentrating on endurance. Getting further on the crutches and relying less on the wheelchair.

When I was first told I was going on the treadmill, it freaked me out a little. The idea of walking on a machine that dictated how fast and far I walk, was a little scary.

But off I went, covering 400 metres in 15 minutes.

On Friday, I managed 600 metres in 15 minutes.

**smiles smugly**

Insert: 19.05.09 - I managed 1km today in 19 minutes

**furious clappimg, only stops when I make a "cut" motion with my hands**

This afternoon I decided I would use the crutches to get to the Post Office outside of the hospital– thankfully Mum was the bright spark who said she would follow with the wheelchair – she wheeled me more than I walked!

The fatigue I am experiencing isn’t cardio vascular and it isn’t a deep muscle burn like you would expect when you are exercising. The muscles are just not there, or built up yet. It feels very strange.

Still it’s all going in the right direction.

This should mean, due to my successes last week, even though I feel weak, this will be my last week in hospital.

Currently, my discharge date is 22nd May (this Friday) and although I don’t feel overwhelmed at the idea of going home, like I did a couple of weeks ago, I do feel a little uncertain.

The health farm has become my safe haven. I have mastered the breezeway (the 120 metre corridor that runs through the rehab centre).
I have a sense of purpose when I wake up as I know I have 2 physio sessions,
I can easily measure and track my progression in the safe, controlled environment that is the physio gym…..And I still haven’t finished my cheeseboard!!

I Now Have 3 Crutches...

Definition of "CRUTCH"

Crutches are medical tools used when a patient is injured usually anywhere below the waist. The word "crutch" can also refer to anything used by a person for psychological or emotional support.

Hotel Caulfield

I am not sure I have really talked about the hospital I am staying at. It's the Caulfield General Medical Centre and was built during World War 1 to house the diggers as they came back from the front line. The hospital was traditionally a rehabilitation centre, mainly for amputees. This is still its main specialisation, although there is an outpatient pathology and radiography centre.

I have tried to think of this place as a rehabilitation and health farm.

A little like The Priory Clinic, where lots of famous people stay.

Benefits include;

• breakfast in bed
• bed made every day linen changed weekly
• fresh towels left at the end of the bed every day
• 3 stable meals a day (that I have planned with a dietian)
• 2+ hours in the gym per day
• Personal Trainer
• exercise regime tailored to specific needs
• 4 x colonic irrigation since admission (near enough!)
• a team of specialists on call 24 hours a day
• own hairdresser and beautician on hand (as seen in pics)

This has paid off. I have been off the cigarettes 37 days and now I am an occasional drinker

So far this morning, I have had an influx of medical specialists interested in my well being.
Even before I got out of bed one of the nurses was offering to stick suppositories up my bum (which I refused - "of course my bowels haven't moved yet today, I am still in bed")
My psychotherapist came in to "have a chat"
My social worker visited and is arranging for my disability parking sticker (drive and passenger)
My Doctor briefly met with me and said he wanted to arrange a time to talk about my "sexuality, after the operation" - I told him nothing had changed and I was still heterosexual (he didn't laugh but my physio did)

I like it so much here I will be staying on. My stay has been extended until 21st May.

As I write this my Mum is airborne and although she laughed it off when I mentioned it earlier, is probably a 10 minute member of the mile high club. I can’t wait to see here.

At the weekend I had another night at home and managed a couple of cheeky reds at the local wine bar with Nat and KC. (pics above)

The Mummy Returns

Great news. My Mum comes over next week. She arrives on the 13th May and I can not wait to see her. My expected discharge date is also the 13th - although the physios are already talking about extending it - hopefully not for much longer.

In anticipation for my Mum's arrival and the possibility of still being discharged close to her arrival date, I am really focusing on rest.

I'm not really up for visitors this week, I am managing to extend my physio sessions and that means I need all the rest I can get. So if I can't be discharged on the 13th, I know it's not because I've been burning the candle at both ends.

Nerve Conduction Study Results...

My Nerve Conduction study was yesterday. The morning went without a hitch, I find the Ambulance journey's a bit dramatic, if anyone has ever been on an Ambulance stretcher - you become acutely aware of your weight and girth - they are fairly slim!

The Consultant I had was an interesting bloke who obviously liked his specialised subject. I got a bit of a history lesson before he started to shoot electric signals up my nerve to my spine to see what messages came back. Think of what Doctors would use on Smurfette if her heart stopped.

Then the pin came out. It was 2 inches long and was rammed into various points around my hips, down my legs and my feet. Acupuncture it was not! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

I am not really sure of the etiquette when it comes to Doctor's notes. The Consultant handed me a sealed envelope I was to give to my Doctor back here at Caulfield Hospital. I opened it immediately.

As expected, most of it I didn't understand. So I skipped to the conclusion...

"There is electrophysiological evidence of relative severe L5 radiculopathies bilaterally. Preserved Peroneal sensory responses indicate this is preganglionic. The absent recruitment in TA and TFL indicates complete conduction block proximally. There is a mechanical twitch of TA bilaterally indicating at least some preservation of axonal integrity proximally despite the presence of fibs and positive sharp waves. Likely early recovery due to the remyelination of neuropraxic fibres, however full recovery is likely to be protracted. (1 - 2 years)"

So I am sure you'll all agree this is great news!!

This video is from 28th April. I did a Zimmer Walk to the hospital cafe. It was about 300 metres. Yay!

Meet my new roomie - "Hello Daaarling!"

Meet Christine, my new roomie. Aka Jeanne Little. Quite fabulous, even with her neck and full back brace. Poor Daaarling!

I first met Chris in the Alfred hospital and knew immediately what a character she was!

I like Chris, she is tall, very skinny with fabulous cheek bones. She had a fabulous shop in trendy South Yarra and a 40 year marriage to Gary that is still going strong.

Chris talks non stop in her sleep. I have never heard anything like it. Even with my foam earplugs I hear the odd, "Jackie Daaarling, how are you?" and "too true Pru, too true!"


Chris "loves a champagne Daarl!" and a ciggie it would seem, as she zips to and fro every 10 mins.

She's not too popular with the Nursing staff. For someone with a fractured neck and her back broken in 3 places, she doesn't like to wear her brace and it seems only on certain nights she will remember to use her Walker....


The last couple of nights I have heard the occasional cork go pop from behind her curtain and tonight I watched her husband hand her a bottle of white.


I now notice that Chris only remembers to use her Walker, after she has filled a plastic cup with wine/champagne, hidden it inside the shopping pouch and decides to go out for a ciggie!

Genius!

A Day On The (s)Tools...

Well I have had a busy day today.

I will summarise for you all.

• 4 (four) poos. Varying between 4 and 5 on the Bristol Stool Scale


• Dumping the large gutter frame you saw me staggering around on in my video


• Sporting a smaller, sleeker zimmer frame that I can use independently.


• Successfully trained on wheelchair to car transfers (freedom here I come - If someone can pick me up!)


• Cycled 5.5 km's (obviously not out on the open road)


• Started my woodwork class. (pic attached - it's going to be a cheese board)

Yesterday at Pyhsio, my physio the rapist, Emily, tried Functional Electrical Stimulation for those that can't be bothered to look at the link, I have attached an action packed video. Ah well, actually no, not actioned packed. It was for me anyway - as the muscle that controls the Dorsal flex (means flexion of the ankle which makes the top of the foot turn toward the body) moved my foot up by 2 cms! More than it has done for a few weeks.

The session didn't actually work as we had hoped and we probably won't try it again. But it is still early days, as I constantly get told.

I did manage to get 4 burn marks on my legs from the pads.

Fleeting Romance

Doctors and Nurses are obsessed - with shite.

On the first day here, I was sent down for an xray to see how "backed up" I was. There I met Elliot. A lovely young radiologist. We candidly discussed how much faeces was floating around my Transcending and Descending Colon, I didn't need the x-ray to prove it - I was full of shit!

My bowels are talked about like a close relative that must visit daily.

The general bowel movement law of the Medical Industry is that if dear old "Bowel" doesn't "visit" or move one day, he gets talked about, like you forgot to tell him what ward you were on!

If Bowel hasn't visited the 2nd day, he is sent a little reminder of how to get to where he needs to go. This is usually in pill form, sometimes known as a "softener" or a "pusher"

If bowel hasn't visited by day 3, he is sent the equivalent of a taxi, to get him here quickly. The suppository form - this chains you to the bed for at least 20 mins and helps you improve you commode transfer skills as you need to roll over in record time.

And by Christ if Bowel hasn't arrived by day 4, he is chauffeur driven to the airport, is put through priority check in and fast tracked for boarding his first class flight.

And believe me it's long haul.

When he does arrive, he is made such a fuss of. People come from far and wide to see him and get close to him. Analysing what type of food he likes and what time of the day he is at his most entertaining.

This first class ticket is called FLEET. It comes in a 125 ml bottle and tastes like snails and puppy dog tails. They recommend this...gruel once for patients who need a bowel operation.

I had 3 doses.

After day 1, my arsehole turned itself inside out.
The nurses told me it was "absolutely fine" if I shat the bed.

After day 2, mind power kept bowel away.

Day 3 - my arsehole could feel the cold of the water in the bottom of the pan and although it was temporarily soothing, it was pleading with me to never, never drink fleet again.

After physio this morning I went for another x-ray. Elliott rather glumly told me I hadn't shifted as much as I should have.

I am currently in negotiations with the Nurses to give me an enema to release the chocolate hostages under my terms.

Here's a little video of me walking with my splints on at physio this morning.

17th April 09 - Since writing this a few days ago my Doctor has signed me up for

4 x softeners

2 x pushers

2 x suppositories

1 x sachet mix

2 days of fleet.

Not happy Jan